“The Art of Gathering” by Priya Parker (personal notes)

Dec 30, 2024 (today)

Here are my notes on Priya Parker’s The Art of Gathering, a bright manifesto for intentionality & deliberateness.

Start with why.
- Commit to one precise purpose. The more specific, the more people can see themselves in it.
  - e.g. Start from a vision backward. (× Psycho-Cybernetics)
  - e.g. “What makes this gathering special, what with where each of us is in their life?”
  - e.g. An outcome-focussed purpose for work meetings (“Reaching a decision”)
- Make it bold.
- You are consuming people’s most precious resource, time. Decide how you want them to be altered by the experience.
- Go beyond templates & tradition (× legacy problem; Conflict Communication). Make the gathering unique.
- If co-hosting, align clearly on the purpose.
Name well and in alignment with your purpose. Invent a name to remove associations & connotations.
Format a gathering of friends as a gathering of strangers to discover new facets of your friends and unearth stories.

Logistics

All logistical decisions should follow from the gathering’s purpose.
- Decide on a size for your gathering: 6, 12, 30, 150.
- Choose a venue that embodies your gathering’s purpose.
  - Let the location inspire & prime.
    - Venues naturally bring out a specific self in people. (× Your Symphony of Selves).
    - Brainstorm idea: Do the opposite (× Trying Not to Try). Think of where your gathering ought not to take place; do it there.
  - Once there, design the space. Rearrange it — it’s not fixed.
    - Let it match the scale of your event.
      - Density reference (m²/person):
    - Delineate it & close it. Contain the gathering.
Generous exclusion: exclude to the benefit of your guests.
- No Bobs.
  - Neutral people dilute the energy of the group.
  - Every single person changes the dynamics of the group, especially in small groups.
  - By accepting Bob, you give up a spot for somebody who could be more relevant.
  - If you want diversity, polarize and exclude the middle.
    - Activate the diversity. (Potential vs activated diversity)
- No invites by obligation. (× “Fuck Yes, or No”)
- “If everyone is invited, no one is invited. By closing the door, you create the room.”
- Multi-part gatherings: attend all or none. Else the energy gets disrupted.

Pre-game

When people sign up is when the gathering begins.
Gather intelligence on your guests ahead of the meeting, using e.g. one-on-ones or (possibly anonymous) pre-game workbooks (prompts). (× The Design of Everyday Things)
- Let people contribute to the gathering as pre-game.
Prepare people, not things.

Anteroom

Make use of the “waiting-room” time, e.g. to let guests connect with each other.

Game

Don’t be a chill host. Exert generous authority (a.k.a. assertiveness in favour of the group.)
- If you don’t lead, somebody else will.
Lead from beginning to end. If you have to leave, temporarily delegate your host role.
Lead by extreme example — people will do 10% less.
Etiquette excludes, pop-up rules include.
- Pop-up rules are a leveller. (× Conflict Communication: tactical teaming).
- Use pop-up rules to override etiquette.
- People are willing to try things, if it’s for a certain time.
  - Gatherings are experiments — “testing out new ways of being together” (× Sex Talks, Your Symphony of Selves)
- Use pop-up rules that exemplify your purpose & create a culture. (e.g. priming activities that shift the focus on others: assigning an altruistic role to each guest, e.g. “water minister” — distinct but funny titles that enforce a culture of co-responsibility.)
- Identify counter-productive behaviour to create your pop-up rules.
- Communicate the pop-up rules e.g. during pre-game, or at the entrance.
- Enforce mercilessly. You’re acting in the benefit of the group.
  - e.g. set a 60-second timer for introduction rounds and be strict about it.
  - e.g. interrupt drawn-out “questions” at a Q&A with “Can you put that into a question?”
  - Communicate your reasons. Refer to the purpose when making changes, excluding people, enforcing a rule. Explain that it’s not personal, that it’s in the interest of the group.
Give guests play to decide how deep they want to go.
- Invite, don’t force.
Nudge risk with a riskier alternative. (15 Toasts: “the last person to give a toast has to sing it”) (× Nudge)
Prime displacement if you want people to show up outside of their usual self. Find ways to break habits or the ordinary.
Create connection among guests.
- Matchmake & introduce.
  - Matchmake either in who you invite; or in who you sit together.
  - Introduce commonalities. Introductions let people be seen and give them material to connect.
- Ask people for stories. Stories over ideas. Ask for turning points in people’s lives; decisions they made that showcase their personality.
- You can let anyone connect authentically. You can connect with anyone.
- Prompt ideas
  - How have your priorities changed over the years?
  - How have your background and experience limited or favoured you?
  - Which parts of your life have been a waste of time?
  - What have you rebelled against in the past and what are you rebelling against now?
  - Share a story, a moment, or an experience that changed the way you view the world.
Involve if you cannot oppose. (e.g. start a comedy night in a noisy bar by involving the loudmouths) (× Trying Not to Try; Conflict Communication, tactical teaming)

Opening & Closing

Start with a bang, end with a bang. (× Improvise)
- People remember the first 5%, the last 5%, and a highlight in between.
  - Change spaces throughout to let people remember more events.
- Let guests cross a threshold to mark the beginning and to mark the end.
- Embody the gathering’s purpose in how you start, in how you end. Recall the purpose.
Logistics either second or second-to-last. Don’t start or end on logistics. Don’t start or end with thank you’s.
Create belonging with your opening ritual. something that creates commonality within the group. (Adornment, etc.) — × “pop-up rules include”.
The event should end, not stop. Lead the event, don’t let it lead you.
- “I pronounce this lab…” — then I clap, an exit line — “closed.”
Last Call: prepare your guests for the ending.
Two steps to a close: introspection & integration. (Turning inward & turning outward.)
- Introspection: Reviewing what was experienced.
- Integration: Deciding on how to adjust daily life accordingly.
Memorable gifts (à la friendship bracelets) as closing ritual for integration.

Post-Game

Export the formats that work. mp4 is safe for YouTube.

Post-Notes

Gatherings are intentionality applied to hangouts.
“One woman shared her mother’s words on her deathbed: “I spent 90 percent of my time worrying about things that didn’t matter. Don’t do that.””