Those are my personal notes on Vanessa Marin’s book “Sex Talks: The Five Conversations That Will Transform Your Love Life” (insert Amazon affiliate link here)

  • Acknowledge that you’re having sex. This is the first step in creating a culture of communication (incl. outside the bedroom) and being comfortable talking and communicating about sex.
    • Do so by:
      • Making a reference to a past experience, e.g. “had a great time last night!”
      • Compliment e.g. during the act (practice SPEAKING), express appreciation
      • Talking about sex first more in general, not specifically about the sex in your relationship; then about your own history, beliefs and relationship to sex; then about the sex within that relationship.
        • Talk about sex with friends and potential partners.
    • The goal is to be able to have relaxed and productive conversations about sex with your partner; where you feel comfortable suggesting new things to try out or giving feedback.
    • By creating this foundational culture of talking about sex, you’ll feel more comfortable communicating about it when problems arise. Talking about sex exclusively when problems arise discourages you from talking about it more often, due to negative associations you will then have with this conversation topic.
    • Acknowledgment is the first step towards flirting. “You cannot flirt if you cannot acknowledge in the first place the act you’re hoping that saucy wordplay will lead to.”
    • (In case of dry spells: acknowledge them early on, before the inertia sets!)
  • Turn-offs, turn-ons
    • To increase the sexual desire within a relationship, first reduce your turn-offs, THEN double in on your turn-ons.
      • Turn-offs can be linked to circumstances, energy levels, moods, etc.
    • Turn-offs: Compliment the opposite of what you don’t like, to encourage the opposite behaviour
    • When not liking something, make a request for something different. When brought to provide actual negative feedback, offer a replacement behaviour, something to do instead.
    • Compliments as covert requests: Compliments can be a way to make covert requests for repeats.
    • By creating a culture of compliments and communicating appreciation, you get to discover what your partner likes. Feedback is essential in getting to know what your partner likes or doesn’t like.
    • Create a culture of dirty talk and of communicating continuously on what you’re liking (thinking), of what is turning you on at this very moment physically, mentally or spiritually. Have an open, continuous, spontaneous communication channel, a culture of openness and transparency.
    • Ask “Do you like X or Y more?” instead of “What do you like/want?” Give options instead of asking an open-ended question.
    • An example of turn-on can be visualizing the sex you’re going to have with your partner, anticipating it.
    • Some people first need touch to become aroused.
    • “The minute you finish having sex is the minute you begin foreplay for the next time.”
      • You can openly talk about how to keep that “Sex Drive Simmer” going on, keeping a state of constant flirt
  • Exploration, flavours, initiation
    • Throw the idea out there, mention it.
    • When sharing fantasies or suggesting something new to try, tell your partner why you want to do it specifically with them.
    • Ask your partner about things they are curious about, would like to try in the bedroom.
    • Have a culture of rejection within your relationship, feel comfortable giving and receiving no’s. (Try and give a specific reason when possible.)
    • After trying out a fantasy, if it’s not for you and if you felt judgmental, just tell your partner it’s not for you but don’t tell them that you judged them, lest it dampen your culture of risk-taking and exploring fantasies.
    • There are many different flavours of sex and possible types of energies in sex.
      • Giving names to those different flavours can be a way to distinguish between them and communicate about them.
      • It also makes it easier to invite or ask for a specific kind of sex.
      • These different sex paradigms also typically tie into different modes of initiation.
        • For example: Seduction and feeling desired; relaxation; playfulness; love/heart/spirit; energy sex / primal play / poetry, etc.
    • You can openly talk about the ways you like to be invited to sex.
    • When not knowing if you want to accept an invitation to sex, you can agree on a first act (e.g. making out) and then see where it takes you.
    • Keep discovering new facets of each other.
    • How can you reincorporate your favorite sexual memories into your current life?
    • The list of possible sex acts and whether you are a Yes/No/Maybe for them in a specific relationship is akin to the Relationship Anarchy Smorgasbord
  • Stories
    • See your sex life objectively, for what it is. Consider your satisfaction with it objectively. Take action steps, be proactive, objective.
      • All of your issues can be resolved (and most of them are shared by many people). You can create an incredible sex life for yourself.
    • Consider that your and your partner’s stories are put together, and that it’s your common responsibility to make sense of this whole together. “We all have baggage when it comes to sex. You have your stuff, and your partner has their stuff.”
      • “There’s an opportunity to bond over the crap you’re both carrying.”
    • “Without vulnerability, there is no intimacy.” (Brené Brown) “Intimacy is letting our partner see our internal world, even when it’s not a pretty picture. Not keeping our guard up, like we do strangers.”
      • Bring your fears out into the light of day. Create a safe space with your partner to share your fears and struggles.
    • Shame needs secrecy and judgement to thrive. (Brené Brown)
    • Focus on your feelings and needs and on communicating them, rather than mulling about what’s going on in your partner’s head.
    • Films mistakenly portray sex as happening organically and very smoothly, while in fact sex most of the time can be quite goofy, awkward or a bit funny. You can call it out!
    • Normalize sex. Laugh about it. In the end, it’s just sex. Practice thinking and talking about sex openly and honestly every day to let fears, shame and hang-ups about sex dissolve, and have it be a normal, natural part of life. Make it “no big deal”.
      • “There’s something truly special that happens when you talk about sex every day. The shame and embarrassment slowly peel away, and sex becomes a normal and natural part of your life - as it should be. All the things that used to feel so awkward now feel lighter — even downright funny at times.” “Challenge yourselves to talk about sex on a daily basis.”
  • (Difficult) sex talks
    • Remind yourself of your partner’s positive intentions; that you’re in the same team and both want to remove obstacles in the way of a great sex life.
    • If it’s difficult talking to your partner, talk to them imagining you’re talking to your best friend.
    • Make physical contact when addressing sensitive topics, e.g. by touching hands
    • Express yourself clearly, slowly, deliberately. Rephrase what your partner has told you and ask them to confirm you’ve understood them well.
    • Conflicts and arguments are an opportunity for you and your partner to clear up misunderstandings and understand yourselves and each other more deeply.
    • Don’t dredge up what’s resolved.
    • Aim for understanding how the other person feels, not for agreeing with them.
    • “There’s little tension because there’s nothing to argue about. They’re each just sharing their truth, in an act of joint vulnerability.”
  • Emotional connection
    • Ask your partner what specific things you do helps them feel connected to you. Know how you each like to give and receive love.
    • Have rituals
      • For example
        • Make space for a structured five minutes of non-sexual touch each day
        • Make out with each other for at least a few seconds every time you leave for the day or go to bed at night
      • Also as a way to keep the Sex Drive Simmer going; and as a way to count your blessings and cherish the presence of your partner, of seizing it. Nurture habits of appreciation, joy and happiness. “There are few things more capable of transforming your relationship than gratitude.”
        • Share gratitude and appreciation to each other.
  • Language lessons check-ins and check-outs at the beginning and end of the lesson are tools for intentionality and feedback and can be applied to relationships.