Here are my takeaways from Chris Voss and Tahl Raz’s book “Never Split the Difference” on the fart of negotiation.

This one goes out to my future employer.

Understanding

  • Ask how you are supposed to do it. Ask the other person to solve your problems. For example: “How can I know he’s alive ?” (vs “Can you show me he’s alive?”). Ask for a solution, especially when there is none. By asking “how”, we shift from a “confrontational showdown to a joint problem-solving session” (× Sex Talks)
    • Focus on “how’s” and “what’s”, avoid “why’s”, as “why’s” put people on the defensive.
  • Don’t focus on what the other person is asking for, but on why they are asking for it. Focus on their interest, understand what is important to them.
    • Understand what is important to each other in order to create win-win situations. Understand each other’s paradigm; what brings meaning to each other (in the deal to be made, experience to be had.)
      • No deal is better than a bad deal. Compromising is often a lose-lose based on not correctly understanding what is at stake or important for the other person. (Goes both ways.) Prefer no deal to a bad deal (e.g. getting scammed).
    • Once you understand your counterpart, you can also offer, or ask for low-effort, high-value extras.
    • Find your counterpart’s “black swans” (and your blogger’s misnomers): things important and relevant to them, that if you knew, would change everything. “What is really going on.” (× “We’re doing this on the surface, but we’re really doing something else.”)
    • To understand, listen deeply. (× Active listening (Improvise; The Design of Everyday Things; The Toyota Way))
    • Focus on understanding, not agreeing. Empathy vs sympathy: empathy is about understanding the other side, not about being nice or agreeing with them (that’s sympathizing). (× Sex Talks)
    • “Empathy is the ability to recognize the perspective of a counterpart, and the vocalization of that recognition.”
    • Job interview: ask “What is important for you?”
  • Hidden stakeholders: know who calls the shots, involve them in the conversation. (× The Design of Everyday Things)

Building rapport

  • Actual yesses, not perfunctory yesses. Stolen yesses aren’t worth anything, are counter-productive (× numbers) (× “fuck yes, or no”; enthusiastic consent). Distinguish perfunctory yesses (rational agreements, “you’re right”) from actual yesses (visceral agreements, “that’s right”). (Change has to come from within.)
    • Instead, elicit a “No” to give the other person the (illusion of) control, agency. (Rhetoric no) (“Do you think the city should have more cars?”)
      • Or deliberately ask for a question for which you desire a no (“Do you not want to partner up for this project? / Did you give up on negotiating this?”)
      • Or even for questions for which you desire a yes: “Do you have a few minutes to talk?” ⇒ “Is now a bad time to talk?” (activates agency — “is a reaffirmation of autonomy”)
    • “Yes” is nothing without “how”. Do not just agree; agree on an action plan. (× personal goal-setting)
  • Let your counterpart talk more, to reveal more about themselves and their interest (in order to understand them more and be able to do better business with them):
    • Use silences, paraphrasing or repeating their last words (× Improvise: “Yes, and…”; last word, first word; Sex Talks: compliments as covert requests (in both cases: mentioning something, bringing it into presence — with more overt appreciation in the case of compliments — to communicate interest, curiosity))
    • Name apparent or suspected emotions and feelings. (Wants, fears, beliefs — all in order to understand what is important for your counterpart.) Preface assumptions. (“It seems that…” / “It looks like…” / “It sounds like…” — instead of assuming (and imposing)) (× non-violent communication). This invites the other person to share more but also lets them be heard; creates rapport.
      • If your observation was wrong, your counterpart will correct you, which will give you more information.
  • Accusation audit. If you have something to reproach yourself or if you messed up or are in a bad relationship with your counterpart, do an “accusation audit”: voice how you assume the other feels about you (and rightly so), exaggerate it. “List every possible thing your counterpart could say about you.”
    • Even if it’s not true, you will still gain more information on how your counterpart is feeling, as they will correct you. And if you are right, then you and your counterpart with be on the same page and you will have cleared the air — and have a better understanding of the situation.
  • Slow things down; take your time. Helps with any conflict.
  • For communicating hard boundaries, use a calm, “late-night FM DJ voice”, with the inflection going down. (Calm setting of factual boundaries — not up for negotiation.) (e.g. “We don’t do work for hire.”)
  • Lean into conflicts. Overcome your fear of conflicts. Conflicts are necessary; navigate them with empathy. “Don’t avoid honest, clear conflict. It will save your marriage, your friendship and your family.” (× Conflicts as bringing people closer, Sex Talks) Be honest, direct and clear about what you want (× transparency in job interviews).
  • Humour and humanity to build bridges. “Humour and humanity are the best ways to break the ice and remove roadblocks” (× laughing about failures (Improvise); laughing about sex (Sex Talks))
  • Practicing empathy / emotional intelligence: observe somebody and try to put yourself in their shoes. (Also as a way to soak up the energy of somebody.) “If you want to increase your neural resonance skills, take a moment right now and practice. Turn your attention to someone who’s talking near you, or watch a person being interviewed on TV. As they talk, imagine that you are that person. Visualize yourself in the position they describe and put in as much detail as you can, as if you were actually there.”

General negotiation 🫡

  • Frame so as to leverage loss aversion, e.g. use “not lose” instead of “keep”; “I wanted to bring this opportunity to you before I took it to someone else”. Communicate that inaction will lead to missing out on something, to losing something.
  • Unreasonable demands from your superior: Repeat their absurd demands (in a neutral, thinking tone) to make them think about them and reconsider them: “I’m sorry, two copies?”
  • Beware deadlines! Deadlines often lead to rushed, bad decisions. Deadlines are often arbitrary — ask for more time if you need it (to make a good call).

Negotiating amounts

  • Start by setting yourself a target (e.g. how much you are willing to pay)
    • Implicit opening offer/anchoring: Quote the standard market price range. (“People pay that much for…”)
    • Offer a range whereby the lower boundary is your target.
    • Make bids for, successively: 65%; 85; 95%; and finally 100% of your target using a precise number (e.g. 4655.50€) along with a non-monetary gift for that last offer.
      • The decreasing increments suggest you are getting closer to your limit.
      • The precise final offer suggests you came to this number through deliberate calculation; it sounds non-arbitrary, and final.
      • The non-monetary extra added to the last offer suggests you truly reached your limit.
        • Non-cash gifts can be low-effort, high-value. Low-effort on the giver’s part; high-value on the receiver’s part: win-win. (Requires knowing what each one is actually looking for; what each one values.)
        • The corollary: When you cannot ask for more money, ask for more perks or services, based on the assets of your counterpart (e.g. ask for a training, an article in their magazine, etc.)

Quotes

  • “Hope is not a strategy.” (It’s a tactic.)